I committed the first crime of my life tonight. It was completely of my own will, no one forced me to do what I did except me.
I have always been a law abiding citizen, but I have become embittered by this world. I am tired of seeing everyone around me successful while I am struggling myself. What has following the law or doing the right thing ever done for me? Nothing but heartache. Life is not fair so you can't fight fair. you have to be conniving and ruthless to get what you need in this world. The only one who will ever really take care of you is you. I can't let my morals, although just, be my destruction. No one else has any morals and they are all employed, so my morals may just be my destruction in this moral-less world.
I came to the decision to become a criminal this morning. My daughter woke up and asked for me to make her oatmeal for breakfast. I opened the cabinet and there was none. There was also no cereal, bread, eggs, or milk. I opened my wallet. Fifteen dollars left. So we went to the store and bought eggs, milk, bread and a box of cereal. $14.36 was the total. We went back home and I made breakfast and we ate together at the kitchen table in our one bedroom apartment. I stared at my daughter. She is always so happy. She doesn't need to worry about waking up to no food for breakfast. That is my job.
It has been a week since I lost my job and I have applied to every job posting on the Internet and every store I could think of and have heard no response. I have begun to think that I am not employable. What am I supposed to do if no one will even call me for an interview? What is that beautiful, happy little girl supposed to do?
I can't let her see. I can't let anyone see. I have to and I will fix this. Since everyone likes to inform me that the world isn't fair than I'm not going to play fair. I decided I would do this, but I could tell no one. Especially those I trusted the most. If I got caught, the only protection they would have is their ignorance of my crimes. Plus, they would try to talk me out of it and there can be none of that.
I need to do this for us, so my husband doesn't have to work so hard and stress so much. This journal is the only evidence connecting me to my crimes and it can be easily burned.
When my husband came home from work I lied to him for the first time in our marriage. I told him I got a job working from 11pm to 3 am at a facility for sorting packages. He hugged and congratulated me and said, "See, I told you things would get better, baby. These things just take time."
He is such a great man. He never complains about anything, he just does what he needs to do for his family. Its my turn now. I hugged and kissed him goodnight and went to my new job. I had my duffel bag packed with extra clothes to change into and drove to the target. I parked in a parking lot about a block away from the store I was going to hit. I put a pair of black sweatpants over my jeans and a black hoodie over my shirt. I put on a pair of black knit gloves that had a bit of leather on the palm of the hands so the wearer would be able to grip things. I had a ski mask on, but folded in such a way that it just looked like a skull cap. I had my jacket on and zipped up with my hood up. it as freezing outside and unquestionable. My husband keeps a slapjack, a weapon for self-defense, in the glove compartment of our car. A slapjack looks a bit like the insole of a shoe. Metal coil is placed beteen to pieces of leather to form a decent concealable weapon. I put it in my pocket. When I was ready I meditated for a moment to clear my mind and got out of the car. The time was approaching.
The store closed at 10pm and it took them an hour to close up. I walked to the store and hid I the shrubs planted beside it. I took my jacket off and laced it in the shrubs. I pulled the mask over my face. I gripped the slapjack tightly in my hand. I tried to just clear my mind as I sat there waiting for them to come out of the store, but thoughts were flooding my mind. I had never hurt anyone in my life and I was about to commit assault and battery while committing a robbery. I couldn't dwell on it. I had to do this was the only way. I need my daughter to have a better life. I want us all to have a better life. I just needed to do this and not get caught. Breathing in, I calm my mind. Breathing out, I smile. Breathing in, present moment. Breathing out, wonderful moment. I just repeated that phrase over and over again.
The door opened. There were only two of them; one with keys and a bag. Go. Two well placed blows on the back of their heads; enough to knock them out, not enough to kill them. It happened so fast, they didn't even get a chance to turn around and see my face. I grabbed the bag and ran. I got off the main street and ran along an adjacent side street with ranch style single homes. as I ran down the street I fixed my mask so it looked like a hat again. I took off the pants and the hoodie and threw them in a trash can on the street. I zipped up my jacket and walked back to my car. I repeated my phrase the entire way to keep me from having a panic attack. I got into my car without incident and drove home.
it was still too early to go in so I took out the deposit. On the bag the amount as written. $2439.15. panic set in. I drove to the river. It was about a half hour drive. I needed to get rid of the rest of the evidence. all I could think of was how I was going to be able to explain to my husband how I came upon the money. The lottery? I guessed that would be the best bet.
When I finally got to the river I put the bag on the ground where there was nothing but rocks. I squeezed a bottle of lighter fluid on the bag and lit it on fire. The slapjack was the only thing that remained from the crime. I had kitchen cleaning wipes in the car and wiped it off. I returned it to its place in the glove compartment. I wrote this and now I am going home. Its 2 am, if he asks me why I'm home early I'll tell him there was no more work and they sent us home.
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