Entry 3: No turning back

I committed the first crime of my life tonight. It was completely of my own will, no one forced me to do what I did except me.

I have always been a law abiding citizen, but I have become embittered by this world. I am tired of seeing everyone around me successful while I am struggling myself. What has following the law or doing the right thing ever done for me? Nothing but heartache. Life is not fair so you can't fight fair. you have to be conniving and ruthless to get what you need in this world. The only one who will ever really take care of you is you. I can't let my morals, although just, be my destruction. No one else has any morals and they are all employed, so my morals may just be my destruction in this moral-less world.

I came to the decision to become a criminal this morning. My daughter woke up and asked for me to make her oatmeal for breakfast. I opened the cabinet and there was none. There was also no cereal, bread, eggs, or milk. I opened my wallet. Fifteen dollars left. So we went to the store and bought eggs, milk, bread and a box of cereal. $14.36 was the total. We went back home and I made breakfast and we ate together at the kitchen table in our one bedroom apartment. I stared at my daughter. She is always so happy. She doesn't need to worry about waking up to no food for breakfast. That is my job.

It has been a week since I lost my job and I have applied to every job posting on the Internet and every store I could think of and have heard no response. I have begun to think that I am not employable. What am I supposed to do if no one will even call me for an interview? What is that beautiful, happy little girl supposed to do?

I can't let her see. I can't let anyone see. I have to and I will fix this. Since everyone likes to inform me that the world isn't fair than I'm not going to play fair. I decided I would do this, but I could tell no one. Especially those I trusted the most. If I got caught, the only protection they would have is their ignorance of my crimes. Plus, they would try to talk me out of it and there can be none of that.

I need to do this for us, so my husband doesn't have to work so hard and stress so much. This journal is the only evidence connecting me to my crimes and it can be easily burned.

When my husband came home from work I lied to him for the first time in our marriage. I told him I got a job working from 11pm to 3 am at a facility for sorting packages. He hugged and congratulated me and said, "See, I told you things would get better, baby. These things just take time."

He is such a great man. He never complains about anything, he just does what he needs to do for his family. Its my turn now. I hugged and kissed him goodnight and went to my new job. I had my duffel bag packed with extra clothes to change into and drove to the target. I parked in a parking lot about a block away from the store I was going to hit. I put a pair of black sweatpants over my jeans and a black hoodie over my shirt. I put on a pair of black knit gloves that had a bit of leather on the palm of the hands so the wearer would be able to grip things. I had a ski mask on, but folded in such a way that it just looked like a skull cap. I had my jacket on and zipped up with my hood up. it as freezing outside and unquestionable. My husband keeps a slapjack, a weapon for self-defense, in the glove compartment of our car. A slapjack looks a bit like the insole of a shoe. Metal coil is placed beteen to pieces of leather to form a decent concealable weapon. I put it in my pocket. When I was ready I meditated for a moment to clear my mind and got out of the car. The time was approaching.

The store closed at 10pm and it took them an hour to close up. I walked to the store and hid I the shrubs planted beside it. I took my jacket off and laced it in the shrubs. I pulled the mask over my face. I gripped the slapjack tightly in my hand. I tried to just clear my mind as I sat there waiting for them to come out of the store, but thoughts were flooding my mind. I had never hurt anyone in my life and I was about to commit assault and battery while committing a robbery. I couldn't dwell on it. I had to do this was the only way. I need my daughter to have a better life. I want us all to have a better life. I just needed to do this and not get caught. Breathing in, I calm my mind. Breathing out, I smile. Breathing in, present moment. Breathing out, wonderful moment. I just repeated that phrase over and over again.

The door opened. There were only two of them; one with keys and a bag. Go. Two well placed blows on the back of their heads; enough to knock them out, not enough to kill them. It happened so fast, they didn't even get a chance to turn around and see my face. I grabbed the bag and ran. I got off the main street and ran along an adjacent side street with ranch style single homes. as I ran down the street I fixed my mask so it looked like a hat again. I took off the pants and the hoodie and threw them in a trash can on the street. I zipped up my jacket and walked back to my car. I repeated my phrase the entire way to keep me from having a panic attack. I got into my car without incident and drove home.

it was still too early to go in so I took out the deposit. On the bag the amount as written. $2439.15. panic set in. I drove to the river. It was about a half hour drive. I needed to get rid of the rest of the evidence. all I could think of was how I was going to be able to explain to my husband how I came upon the money. The lottery? I guessed that would be the best bet.

When I finally got to the river I put the bag on the ground where there was nothing but rocks. I squeezed a bottle of lighter fluid on the bag and lit it on fire. The slapjack was the only thing that remained from the crime. I had kitchen cleaning wipes in the car and wiped it off. I returned it to its place in the glove compartment. I wrote this and now I am going home. Its 2 am, if he asks me why I'm home early I'll tell him there was no more work and they sent us home.

Entry 2: Self-loathing

So I applied for every job online that I was qualified for. I had an interview and was hired by a temp agency. Hopefully they will be able to place me somewhere.

I have always had depression. I have tried to kill myself three times. I hate my life. I don't know what I can do to change it. I try to stay positive and be thankful for the things I do have, but I am just so sad. I just want a good job that I can support my family with. I don't understand. I have never been in jail why can't I get a job.

Entry 1: Where it all went wrong...

May 20, 2015

I was just sitting on my bed, contemplating suicide, when I picked  this diary. I had bought it months ago, just because I liked it, and never used it. It strange how things happen like that. Like maybe I subconsciously saved this journal for when I would really need it, and now it is definitely needed.

I got fired today. It wouldn't be so bad if I deserved it, but I really didn't. My horribly fascist employer decided to fire me instead of granting a request I had made a month prior, but it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that now I am an unemployed and have two people that rely on me and the miniscule amount of money that I brought in. I would love to just go off and rant and rave about the whole thing, and would if I was younger. Now that I am older and slightly wiser, I have learned that holding grudges and being angry are just not worth my time or energy.

I used to think revenge was the answer, like maybe I should just go and flatten that bitches tires, but its not worth it. I can't raise my daughter from jail. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just so disgusted with myself. I want to die. I really wish I could just kill myself.

I sat for a half an hour today just staring at my Bowie knife trying to bring myself to just fall on it and let it plunge into my stomach, but I couldn't. I couldn't do it. Which made me feel even worse. I'm such loser, I can't even kill myself. Instead, I just cut my arms. Just superficially. I just want a release. A permanent release. So then I thought, 'Xanax would make things easier,' I thought, but then I quickly remembered that I don't have an Xanax, I'm not a druggie, so I don't know anyone who has any, and even if I did, I don't have enough money to buy enough Xanax to kill myself.

I took a shower to try to clean up my arms. As I wrapped them up, I realized that I could never wear a short sleeve shirt again and I probably should have done this dumb shit on my thighs. You can't really think when you're in pain like that. Most people can't understand, I don't really blame them, what I do blame them for is their ignorance. People are afraid of what they don't understand. Its a really weird phenomenon if you think about it. Society as a whole likes to punish people who think differently, even if they may be right. Galileo, found to be a heretic and wasn't allowed to leave his house for the last nine years of his life. The father of modern science died under house arrest. And we act like we wouldn't do something like that today, but what we do is worse.

We have invented all these tests that weed out the dredges of society; IQ tests, personality tests, SATs. A job application is an hour long psych evaluation. What happens when you fail their stupid test? Oh, you just don't get a job. I just want to work. I just want to support my family. I am a hard worker, but that doesn't matter anymore.