Entry 1: Where it all went wrong...

May 20, 2015

I was just sitting on my bed, contemplating suicide, when I picked  this diary. I had bought it months ago, just because I liked it, and never used it. It strange how things happen like that. Like maybe I subconsciously saved this journal for when I would really need it, and now it is definitely needed.

I got fired today. It wouldn't be so bad if I deserved it, but I really didn't. My horribly fascist employer decided to fire me instead of granting a request I had made a month prior, but it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that now I am an unemployed and have two people that rely on me and the miniscule amount of money that I brought in. I would love to just go off and rant and rave about the whole thing, and would if I was younger. Now that I am older and slightly wiser, I have learned that holding grudges and being angry are just not worth my time or energy.

I used to think revenge was the answer, like maybe I should just go and flatten that bitches tires, but its not worth it. I can't raise my daughter from jail. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just so disgusted with myself. I want to die. I really wish I could just kill myself.

I sat for a half an hour today just staring at my Bowie knife trying to bring myself to just fall on it and let it plunge into my stomach, but I couldn't. I couldn't do it. Which made me feel even worse. I'm such loser, I can't even kill myself. Instead, I just cut my arms. Just superficially. I just want a release. A permanent release. So then I thought, 'Xanax would make things easier,' I thought, but then I quickly remembered that I don't have an Xanax, I'm not a druggie, so I don't know anyone who has any, and even if I did, I don't have enough money to buy enough Xanax to kill myself.

I took a shower to try to clean up my arms. As I wrapped them up, I realized that I could never wear a short sleeve shirt again and I probably should have done this dumb shit on my thighs. You can't really think when you're in pain like that. Most people can't understand, I don't really blame them, what I do blame them for is their ignorance. People are afraid of what they don't understand. Its a really weird phenomenon if you think about it. Society as a whole likes to punish people who think differently, even if they may be right. Galileo, found to be a heretic and wasn't allowed to leave his house for the last nine years of his life. The father of modern science died under house arrest. And we act like we wouldn't do something like that today, but what we do is worse.

We have invented all these tests that weed out the dredges of society; IQ tests, personality tests, SATs. A job application is an hour long psych evaluation. What happens when you fail their stupid test? Oh, you just don't get a job. I just want to work. I just want to support my family. I am a hard worker, but that doesn't matter anymore.